The Invitation.

2007-01-14T01:41:49Z

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

The Saddest Post.

2006-11-09T11:44:47Z

Life is a journey--one that is better traveled with a companion by our side. But despite our best intentions, some of us will lose our companions along the way and then the journey becomes unbearable. You see, human beings are designed for so many things but loneliness isn't one of them. And the saddest part about it all is that despite everything, we are forced to go on living.

More than a month has passed since our breakup and in that short span of time I know that things have turned out quite differently for the both of us. Oftentimes I wonder how you've been. Are you taking good care of yourself? Are you eating your meals regularly? Are you doing well in school? Are you happy? Do you still think of me? So many questions running through my head that I know can never be answered.

What happened between us has been one of the most devastating experiences in my life. We have survived the turn of the tides--all of them, except this. And I must admit I was crushed. Those recent events shook the hell out of me and tore my heart into tiny bits and pieces that I find so ever difficult to restore.

At one point, I felt that I was on the verge of losing my mind. And at another, I knew that I had completely lost it. What could I do? I love you...in ways and means one could just ever imagine.

You kept saying that you wanted me out of your life but I never believed you because I knew that you were lying. I can feel that behind those words was the sad reality that you still loved me. But what makes it all the more complicated was the fact that you kept on denying this to yourself, to me, and to everyone else that we both knew.

I never tested you. I never placed you in the hot seat. I never pressured you to choose. I never asked you to look at me in the eye and say it right in my face that you don't love me anymore. All I ever wanted was for us to talk--deeply, sincerely. I wanted to tell you so many things. I wanted to hear your feedbacks so that we could both understand each other. But silence was all there ever was to it.

It takes two to tango, that's what most of them would say. And somewhere along the way, I also did so many things enough to push you away. And for that, I take responsibility for all the wrongs I have committed and take my fair share in all the blame. I was selfish. I was insecure. I was unkind. I was scandalous. I was demanding. I was calling you names. I was cruel. I contradicted the kind of lifestyle that you wanted and some of your friends as well. I was a nagger. I was jealous. I tested your patience. I was irritating.

We all had our shortcomings. But I thought that our love would be enough to cover all these wrongs. I thought that we would at least try to understand each other so that we could both eventually learn how to forgive. But things have been different. Somehow, I felt that you are slowly losing it and consequently, anytime soon, I knew we were bound to lose each other. But there I was. I continued to fight for whatever it is that was left of us.

In spite of everything we managed to keep on going. You have showered me with your promises...promises which I kept on holding on to--that we would go out, see the next good movie, that you would introduce me to your friends, that you would invite me over to the next drinking session, that we would spend the night in a hotel, that we would go to the Oktoberfest, that we would talk and drink the night away and so many other things--but apparently none of them seemed to happen. These empty promises were given away just to appease my longing for the moment. Just like what all mothers would tell their kids as they are about to throw into their fits of tantrums. All the while I was led to believe that those words were clear affirmations that things would change for the better between us. And obviously, I got it all wrong. Little did I know that these promises were just mere mechanisms used in order to shut me up.

You would always complain about how I would usually revert to our past and now I will tell you why. It's because I miss what we had back then. I miss the days when we would talk about almost everything. I miss the days when you would laugh at my corniest jokes. I miss the days when we would eat isaw and hang out with your friends. I miss the days when you would tease me and call me all sorts of names. I miss the days when you would ask for my help and consult me at about almost everything. I miss the days when we would talk over the phone and ask each other the silliest questions. I miss the days when you would ask me out to accompany you to almost every place you would be going to. I miss all those funny faces that you and I both made. I miss our hekhek and our bekbek. I miss the "times two." But amidst all these things, what I probably had missed the most was that person--that Sophomore who used to be so in love with that Senior.

During the last few months that we were together, I attempted to relive all these moments, those times when every bit of me was your all. There was even an instance when I gave back all the letters that you've sent me because I wanted you to recall the feelings that you've had for me back then. I told you to look at your blog and search for the past entries you've written for me but your only reply was, "Wala na yon." I refused to believe what you've just said to me. I was hoping that everything was just make-believe. But then it hit me, I was living in a fantasy world. And behind all those dreams lies the sad reality--that the Sophomore was no longer in love with the Senior--that you were no longer in love with me.

God knows how much I've tried my best to save our relationship. I've placed all my best efforts, everything that I could ever pull through just for you to stay. But you didn't. They say that relationships don't require any effort at all. Just being there with each other is enough reason to sustain whatever it is that you both have. So I thought...I could have given you a toothpick, and you could have wanted me back, if you wanted to. I could have hidden into the depths of the deepest ocean and you could have searched for me, if you wanted to. I could have climbed the highest peaks and you could have packed your things and take on that journey with me, if you wanted to.

But you didn't.

So many people have constantly reminded me not to love this much, that I should at least try to save some for myself. But if love really meant everything, would you expect yourself to give anything less? I have given you everything that I could and expected nothing in return because somewhere, in the back-alleys of my mind, I was hoping that somehow you would recognize my efforts and personally reward me for what is due. But unfortunately, the outcome that I had been silently praying for never happened.

I resisted the urge to text you, to call you and to see you in the hopes that my absence would "make your heart grow fonder" but apparently, it "made your heart forget." The hours have turned into days, the days to weeks, and the weeks to months. And yet I was still there. I kept on waiting for that phone call that never came, for that text message which I hoped came from you but never did, for that surprise visit which you never paid me. I was holding on to the idea that you would try to reach out to me, that you would never leave me in the dark, that you would search for me, that you would at least try to explain everything to me, that you would give me a closure and not leave everything hanging, that you would apologize, that we would talk "soon" just like what you promised. Today I am still waiting for that phone call, for that text message I hope you'd send me, for that letter I hope you'd write me, and for that surprise visit I hope you'd pay me. But up to this very moment, silence was all there ever was to it.

Nothing is forever that's what most of them would say. And now the time has come for me to say goodbye to the world that I knew. Goodbye to everything that I had taken for granted. Goodbye to those people whom I thought would never abandon me. The time has come to say goodbye to us, to you.

I would always be grateful that somewhere in this lifetime I was able to find you. And despite everything that has happened to us, I would try my very best to remember you for the kindness and compassion you have shown me and for that great display of generosity and affection that you have constantly showered me with. I understand you now more than ever. And for whatever reasons you have, I would accord you with the proper respect that you deserve for the sake of what we've had. Thanks for being a part of my life and thanks for making me a part of yours too. It was really nice meeting you and it was so nice loving you. Thank you for taking care of me and thanks for loving me back. And for the record, I have never loved anyone as much as I have loved you. Regretting everything, the good or the bad, is the last thing I would want to do because I am definitely not a coward. And if I have to screw my life all over for this, then most probably I will.

So there. It pains me to say this but I think this rollercoaster ride has to end for the benefit of this young adult who has yet to face the reality of life together with all its complexities. Acceptance and forgiveness are two of life's most bitter pills that I'm trying to swallow as of the moment to remedy the hurt that I am feeling right now. I'm in repair. I'm not together. But I know that I'm slowly getting there. It sure is a long and difficult process. And apparently, there's no easy way out, no instant gratification. But I do hope it's going to be worth the wait and the pain.

In my life, I had created so many lies that would somehow build up for everything that I lack. And the worst of its kind are the ones which I tell myself before I go to sleep--that you still love me, that I am happy even when you're not around, that you'd come back. Every night as I lay in my bed, I would usually preoccupy myself with these thoughts, wondering how I would react if ever they happen. In those nights, I would tell all these lies to myself in a desperate, desperate hope that come morning, they would all be true. Sadly, to this point, they never did and most probably never will.

And if perhaps, silence was all there really ever was and all there ever would be to it....

Then silence it will be.

pauis_in @ 2006-10-08T18:26:00

2006-10-08T10:26:33Z

When you get stuck in time, you get stuck alone.

pauis_in @ 2006-10-02T19:36:00

2006-10-02T11:36:32Z

[break=On love, dialogue and giving.]

A person has the capacity to give. This capacity is implied in the act of showing himself, in taking something from his inner life he considers valuable and offers it to another. This is exhibited especially in the act of loving. In fact, love is not so much in giving things but in giving of oneself to the beloved. That is why love is the most sublime activity of beings capable of thinking and willing. Giving of the self fulfills the self. Now, to give one's intimacy needs a receiver of intimacy, i.e. an "other" who likewise has intimacy. Self-giving is a real giving which requires a receiving self, i.e another person.

Moreover, a person has the capacity to receive the gift of intimacy of or the gift of self of another. To be a recipient of intimacy is to accept and admit a given intimacy (gift) into one's own intimacy. That is, the receiver receives the gift as his own. This is also part of the act of love. Without the other, the gift of intimacy becomes senseless or frustrating. In other words,the self-giving of the giver must be reciprocated and corresponded to. Without a receiving, intimacy will not really be given but merely........."left."